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tryin to forget

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I have an exam the day after. I had one today. I am supposed to be studying. Yet I cant, I just cant, something keeps haunting me, something I just need to try to get out of my mind. It all started with the cat next door having kittens. And every time that happens, they end up on our house (suspicious glance at neighbor!) And like Deepa Once blogged about kittens, they look cute, but at someone else’s house. I rather paid no attention to them, having been once the cause for a kitten’s mysterious disappearance and hold myself responsible for its death. Having considered myself a cold blooded murderer, I felt it better if I kept off, and rather not bring back any painful memories.
However, there is a laaarge bunch of anthuriums and orchids, some rare, and some imported, in my house, and turns out, the kittens and these plants were mutually exclusive. So I, having next to nothing to do, was deputed the task of being the evil henchman. Having run around the house for about 15 minutes trying to chase down them darn kittens, I was pronounced a good for nothing (I Was rather beginning to enjoy it , and rather than trying to actually chase them , was more trying to tease them and the were generally being playful, It was fun!) and the *expert* was sent in. soon the kittens were airborne , and well on their way to the neighbors yard. Unfortunately, one of them hit the wall rather hard, and I heard the sound. I thought nothing happened, cats have nine lives after all, and went back to dusting off my lying-in- disuse cassette collection.
I couldn’t concentrate, and kept on thinking of the thud, with which the poor thing hit the wall. Finally, being unable to think anything else went to the terrace to check on the poor thing, and it turns out, it is still lying motionless, not crying, and not even twitching. I couldn’t bear to keep on watching it. I came back into my room.
Once upon a time, I sort of thought, even fancied myself as a tough-as-nails kid who didn’t mind killing. Over the years, I had lost that feeling, regret and shame sort of came over it, all because I had once sort of rolled a rock over a hole in which the poor kitten had hidden itself, and though myself smart over having outsmarted it in a game of hide ‘n’ seek. (I thought, “Who’s the smart on now eh?” then, and felt better about it,)I forgot about the rock for a matter of days, and remembered about it only when the kitten failed to show up. I ran in panic to the hole and rolled back the stone.
Nothing……………no kitten, then again, I don’t remember any other trace of it. It seemed a deep burrow, having an excess of burrowing rats over there.
I still don’t know if it died or else, but I never saw it again. Seeing the poor kitten thrown against a wall like a coconut at the floor like in a temple was something I was not prepared for. I winced at the thud, and it keeps back playing in my head. Back then , I was a foolish and bored kid, not so anymore, maybe that’s what’s different. Maybe then I might have thought “that’ll show them vermin to keep off our plants”. Not so any more…
Then again, if they were rats, or snakes, or snails, we might not have cared at all, thought nothing of it, because these kittens looked, sounded, and felt cute might be the reason why I feel so much for then. Which leads to one thing? Is it just the looks we care about? A rat and a kitten do the same damage, are both mammals, and are both living things .Why do I feel remorse in killing one and not the other? Because a cat is traditionally part of our life, while a rat is always, ALWAYS vermin?
The same things happen. When a few hundred people got killed in the US of A, It was sufficient cause to kill thousands, ten thousands, of people who didn’t matter. Why, even more people die because of hunger in poor nations? I bet more people die of hunger than terrorism, and yet more money is being spent on fighting terrorism than hunger.
Having typed out so much, it helps to keep the mind off the the kitten. I went back to the scene of the crime and see the thing rolled back and its poor mother sitting on the wall overlooking where it fell. I felt very weird, very apologetic, like the way you SHOULD feel at a funeral, but never do because you are too bored or too busy. I felt somehow, looking in the poor things eyes, so sorry, so powerless, and just then, from over the wall, another neighbor looked at me and smiled. She couldn’t see what I was looking at, and I couldn’t but feel ashamed. I summoned all the strength in me and managed to flash a passing smile. Even those made me feel all guilty inside….Im back, trying to put my feelings to words, feeling like a wretch , all that pain gnawing away at me…Maybe I’m not the tough guy I used to be .I can almost feel one part of me calling the other WUSS! WUSS! WUSSIE..., maybe I am. I try to distract myself and keep on typing. Maybe because the SH*T that happened today touched a raw nerve.

23 Responses to “tryin to forget”

  1. Blogger Rockus 

    Hey dude I have bad experiences with cat too. My mom stepped on my pet kitty (I was some 5 years old) accidentally and it died. Since then Cats are banished from our house.
    Recently I was in the terrace and I found a cat was staring at me from the parapet. I decided to scare it and kinda roared at it. The cat jumped and slipped and fell down 2 storeys hitting a couple of sunshades on the way. I felt terrible and was almost in tears. A few minutes later the cat was up and running and trying to put his head into our litter!

  2. Blogger duttan 

    A few days ago, I saved a cat from certain death by using my handbrake. Car did a 40 degree skid.

  3. Blogger kickassso 


  4. Blogger Thanu 

    I'm sared of cats and can not stand them.

    Saw on a bumper sticker
    I love cats, they just taste like Chicken

    I know I grossed few readers out.


  5. Blogger >|' ; '| 

    i have had a lot of cats till now. the last cat, i've had, has left me with some bad memories.
    one day, a mother carried a baby cat to my house and dropped it there. that cat didnt come back for the kitten. i was like sick and tired of hearing the damn thing wailing like hell. finally i made tht thing drink some mils. it was funny cos it didnt knw hw to drink out of a saucer. had to dip a finger in milk n hold it to its lil mouth. the darn thing grew up very fast and always had the best food for a cat. it was real chummy with my dog and the left overs of the dog's dinner also duly went to the cat. it became pretty much a behemoth. not fat, just a huge cat. it used to roam around the house freely doing wat it wanted. it used to like watching tv i remember. once, it had slept for a whole day inside my computer cabinet. it fell very ill one day. asked my mother to get som meds from the vet and had to hand feed the husk of the cat back to health. it had become real attached to me. it wouldnt leave me no matter what. days passed on. one day, i had locked the door and was doing some reading when i heard this huge noise at the door. like someone trying to break in or something. i opened the door and saw the cat in fits, frothing red blood. it died at my feet. it took about five minutes. i didnt feel a thing. i still wonder why the hell didnt i feel a thing. i'd took up the dead cat's body and disposed of it. that day marked the beginning of long stream of bad luck for me. its still haunting me. not the cat. the aftermath...

  6. Blogger Rockus 

    I had a similar experience too. An orphan kitten. Its mother gave birth inside my old shelf and ran away. I didnt know what to do. I tried to feed it but nothing really happened. A couple of days later it died. :-(

  7. Blogger lost optimist..^!^ 

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  8. Anonymous Anonymous 

    hi kickie! plz dont be sad!!
    a cat is in Mating seasong now.
    i hear miaow miaowww all night long..:D

  9. Blogger kickassso 

    GRRR! it seems cats DO have nine lives after all . The kiiten in question was seen along with its siblings trying to attack our garden yet once more!

    this time they were unceremoniously bundled into a bag and set free near a trash heap near a hotel a few KM away.

    Damn that kitten psyched me out!

  10. Blogger Shrutz 

    Nice, reminds me of the time a cat dumped her kittens at my house
    Every morning we went out to the porch, there used to be a small mewing from the vicinity of my shoes, a flower pot and even under the curios my mom had placed there...Everyday, mom used to shift the lil tykes to a box in our garage. The next morning they'd be inhabiting various other pair of shoes. Cute li'l things they were too.
    Till one day, no kittens, no mewing.. I went out on a hunt to see where mommy Kitty had decided to hide her little kids. Mom was in a hurry to leave and I just heard mewing emanate from the surroundings of the car, I bent down to look.. No cats.
    Suddenly, I saw 2 of the on the TOP of the front right tyres, in the smallest possible gap. Mom pried them out of there. One was still missing.
    Now began the HUGE hunt. Finally, we open the bonnet of the car, and there was the missing kitten, nestled on top of the air filter......
    I shudder to think what'd have happened if I hadn't looked.

  11. Blogger sheetal 

    awww :(
    i think kittens are cute too, but i've always been a lil careful around them ever since one bit me in the hand. guess i wz askin for it...i'd been annoying it a tad too much. but the memory of those rabies injections keeps me on my toes around the critters. anyway thank god this one's still around :) give it a belly rub for me, will ya?

  12. Anonymous Divya 

    wow everybody has a cat story to share........mine will be the innumerabnle no of kittens who were born n spend there first few days in our first house in Cochin....it seemed like all of the neighbourhood cats loved thr first floor's cupboard for havin their babies.........they always disappeared in few days..coz they were more interestin food options (read fish)available int he neihbourhood,we being veggies n all........it was fun.....
    but i dont think i am too much of a pets person..
    anyways.....all the best for the exams.....
    have fun studyin.

  13. Blogger Aravind.V 

    Well i never had any pets. Instead I like plants and flowers. Anybody who has come to my home will vouch for that.
    Oh I have some fish but they are not exactly friendly.

  14. Anonymous divya 

    also tag done!

  15. Blogger duttan 

    @frantic, piranhas?

  16. Anonymous chips 

    Wow...so many cat stories. Cats seem to LOVE to inhabit ur houses.... My story is a bit different. We had a cat, who we lovingly gave place in our house and made a part of our family. It used to be the first one to get milk in the morning. My grandpa even used to read the Bhagavatha to it. But one fine day, it ran away....:-(( I didnt know that I'd treated it that badly. Granted I used to pull its ears quite a bit, but that was it. Wonder why it ran away....

    And we're havin major rat troubles in our house. The family is majorly divided on the issue of how to get rid of'em. Its funny, to say the least.....

  17. Anonymous chips 

    Glad that the kitten is ok....But it must make u feel like an awful fool...(so comforting, amn't I? ) ;-)

  18. Blogger Aravind.V 

    @ no Tiger Sharks :P

  19. Blogger Jithu 

    hmm.. so next time, take care :-) (not u, the kittens)

  20. Blogger kickassso 

    WOW! again...

    Thank you all for sharing so much with me:)... you've all been so kind:).

  21. Anonymous Anonymous 

    awwww~ how cruel!!!!! lol!!!!!

  22. Blogger hope and love 

    u write very well... i could 'see' those kitens..

  23. Blogger kickassso 

    thanx doc! the feelin's mutual:)

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